As I celebrated my daughter’s first birthday, it caused me to reflect on the glorious grace of God over this past year. My daughter’s life from conception has been one that points me to Jesus and the faithfulness of God in the midst of my anxious heart. Prior to becoming pregnant, a flood of fears consumed my thoughts. I was fearful that I may never have the opportunity to bear a child due to health reasons, and if I did have a child, I was fearful that my health problems would become my child’s or that my body wouldn’t be strong enough for pregnancy. However, the Lord was gracious to me and drew my eyes to Him and prepared my body to carry a child.
The indescribable joy that washed over my soul when I found out I was pregnant was quickly shared with an ever increasing anxiousness. It was as if joy and anxiety resided equally within my heart. Now I was fearful of something happening to my baby, but the Lord was gracious and used pregnancy to help me trust Him moment by moment. Throughout the entire pregnancy I was sick with hyperemesis, but He used it to point me to Him, to remind me of the fall, that this sickness was part of the curse, to point me to the finished work of Christ on the cross, and to point me to the hope of a new body in the new Heavens and new Earth.
The day I had longed for and prepared for finally arrived in a whirlwind. I had read many books, attended many classes and had every little detail planned. However, “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9) Nothing went according to my plans but the Lord once again used this to press me more into Him, to remind me of the pain of the curse, creation groaning for new birth, suffering bringing life. My labor and delivery brought me and my unborn child to the brink of death, but the Lord was again gracious to us both. When I heard the words, “Reach down and grab your daughter,” suffering and new life kissed as I pulled her from my body to my chest. This little one was already teaching me about the gospel in that moment. My utter pain and distress met joy unspeakable due to the faithfulness of God.
As I held my daughter I realized that she was relying solely on me for nourishment. How much more should I be solely reliant on the Lord? For 9 long months, my womb nourished her, and now her little mouth was rooting on my chest. Even this natural process has pointed me to the gospel. Giving my body for another. I could never forget to feed my child, so to the Lord will never forget his children. “Can a woman forget her nursing child, or lack compassion for the child of her womb? Even if these forget, yet I will not forget you.” (Isaiah 49:15) As my daughter has grown, she gets so excited when it is time to nurse; she knows near my heart is safe and that from it she gets life. Oh, how she reminds me that under the Lord’s wings I have refuge, my safe place and that His words are sweeter than honey from the honeycomb. (Psalm 19:10)
Everyday my daughter points me to the gospel. With each diaper changed and cry comforted, I am praying it points her to the God of all comfort. She notices every tiny detail and explores the smallest things, and it reminds me that God is sovereign and even in the midst of my fears nothing is unknown to Him.
As I reflect over this past year, I can honestly say that the fears and anxieties that gripped my soul have not lessened, but my view of God has become bigger. I am daily amazed at how my daughter points me to Jesus without being able to say His name.
Elizabeth Sanders is married to Adam and has one daughter, Norah. They moved to KC in 2014 for Adam to attend Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. She serves on the worship team and with the refugee ministry at Emmaus. She holds a bachelor’s degree in Cross-Cultural Ministry/TESOL from Oklahoma Baptist University.